{"id":890,"date":"2012-07-09T13:07:23","date_gmt":"2012-07-09T17:07:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dahvdaniels.com\/?p=890"},"modified":"2012-08-12T20:15:44","modified_gmt":"2012-08-12T20:15:44","slug":"girls-dont-poop","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dahvdaniels.com\/2012\/07\/09\/girls-dont-poop\/","title":{"rendered":"Girls Don’t Poop"},"content":{"rendered":"

Hey All!<\/p>\n

Below is a collaborative piece that my friends and I wrote for our final in playwriting. And yes – OF COURSE – we got an A! So, I would like to thank Jaclyn Pellerin and Emily Winters who wrote the piece with me! It definitely got a lot of laughs when we read it aloud in class, so I hope you all enjoy!<\/p>\n

– Dahv<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

A caf\u00e9. Katherine, Carly and Dizzle are sitting around a table drinking coffee. They have books spread across the table as though studying. <\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

DIZZLE. (Looking up from her notebook)<\/em> I got the sweats.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. What?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Oh, that\u2019s rough.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. You know, the sweats\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Preach.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Seriously, what are you talking about?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. You know like, when you really have to poop? And it\u2019s so bad that you like, have the sweats.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Eww! Really?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Has that ever happened to you?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. No\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Liar.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. She\u2019s definitely lying.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. No guys, seriously. I have no idea what you\u2019re talking about.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Look, every girl on the planet has experienced this. We just usually can\u2019t talk about it because boys think we don\u2019t poop.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Dude this one time at camp, I didn\u2019t poop for like the entire time.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. The whole time?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. That\u2019s the worst.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Yeah dude, I had like\u2026Burger King right before I got dropped off for camp. And I had never had BK before, so obviously I got a Whopper.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. And that\u2019s why I don\u2019t eat fast food-<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Wait, stop. You\u2019re telling me that just because you ate Burger King, you didn\u2019t poop for like a week?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. That\u2019s exactly what I\u2019m saying. The first day wasn\u2019t so bad. But by the third, shit man\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Sweats.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Sweats.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Sweats?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE\/DIZZLE. Exactly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. I don\u2019t get it.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Well, it starts with your stomach just like, making noises. Brrghhhh.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Yeah. It\u2019s just slightly uncomfortable at first. And then it just progresses to like, fidgeting.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. And then shakes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. And then your face starts getting sweaty.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. You mean like, actually sweaty?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Like ACTUALLY sweaty.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Okay, I guess I\u2019ve maybe had them. Maybe.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Carly, there aren\u2019t any boys here. You can talk about these things. No one will know\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Yeah, come on. You have to have a good shit story. Everyone does.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. I don\u2019t think I do \u2013<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Oh! I have one! My little sister, about four years ago, farted when we were in the car. She thought it was just a far, but I guess it was a wet one. And like, she told our parents and they stopped. She was like, \u201cMom, I pooped myself.\u201d And my mom was like, \u201cWHAT?!\u201d and she was like \u201cYeah.\u201d So we stopped and there was like a wet spot when she got up. They had to throw her underwear out.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Oh my God! That\u2019s so bad!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. (Nodding)<\/em> Sharts.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Yeah man. Sharts.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Sharts?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE\/DIZZLE. Exactly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Oh! You know what else is the worst? PERIOD FARTS.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. (Looking around)<\/em> You guys! We are not talking about this right now. Someone is going to hear \u2013<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Aw shit man, those are definitely the worst. Come on, Carly, even you have to admit that those are bad.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Well, yeah\u2026they\u2019re bad.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Not only do they feel <\/em>worse, they smell<\/em> worse\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. That always happens to me in Robert Frost\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Ew!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Enough pretending, Carly. Just give us something.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Something.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Something?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE\/DIZZLE. Exactly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Well, there is something that always happens to me in Robert Frost\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Go on.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Yes, go on.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. (Hesistates for a moment)<\/em> Well, okay fine. You know when like, you\u2019re walking and all of a sudden you just let out like\u2026a stream of farts?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. OH MY GOD, YES!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. YES! Just like, little bursts of them!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Well, I can\u2019t walk down the third floor hall without The Stream.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. EW!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Carly!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. (Giggling)<\/em> I know!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Well, now whenever we walk down the third floor hallway and it smells\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. We\u2019ll know Carly was there!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. (Throwing her books across the table at Katherine and laughing) <\/em>Shut up.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. On the topic of period stuff\u2026period shits are so bad. It\u2019s like molten when you go.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Been there.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Exactly! It\u2019s like, you KNOW you\u2019re gonna be sitting there wiping for at least ten minutes.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Ten minutes MINIMUM.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Yeah dude. And then you always have to change your tamp when you\u2019re there because there\u2019s just so much going on, you don\u2019t want to risk getting anything UP there.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Tacks on another five minutes\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. At least. You gotta do a courtesy flush with that shit.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Guess what happened to me this morning?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. What?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Did you get the sweats?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Hell yeah. Alright, so you know I had my orientation at Old Navy this morning right?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Yeah, from ten to two right?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Ten o\u2019 clock is my favorite time to shit.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Mine too, man, but I was busy! (Sighs)<\/em> Anyway, so I was about to head out the door and I started getting the sweats. Major sweats!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Oh my God, gross!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Shh, Shh, Carly! Dizzle, keep going!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Okay, okay, okay! Listen, listen (pause)<\/em> So\u2026I\u2019m standing in my kitchen, like this (stands up and squats).<\/em> I was squatting it up cause I could feel the shit like, slipping down into my ass! It\u2019s bad when you can feel it coming without needing to give it a good push.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. I always have to push.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Pushing is for pussies.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

PAUSE<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

DIZZLE. You shit out of your vag?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. (Sighs, disgusted)<\/em> I can\u2019t believe we are talking about this\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Keep going \u2013 I\u2019m listening!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Okay, so I run to the bathroom, and blast off a quick shit. And I\u2019m thinking shit, I gotta go to work, so maybe I can finish this later. (Sits back down)<\/em> So I stand up, wipe, wash my hands and I\u2019m getting ready to leave when it happens\u2026again!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Wow. I can usually save my shits for later.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Oh wow. Shits getting real.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Well said. (Pause)<\/em> My mom even asked if I was prairie-dogging. My face must have been full of sweat! So I grab my bags and take them into the bathroom with me. And of course the second I go back into the bathroom, the carpenter shows up\u2026so I locked the door.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. I don\u2019t mind company when I shit.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. I can never shit when we have company.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Anyway. Let\u2019s just say, I made it to Old Navy just in time. (Pause)<\/em> I\u2019m probably gonna shit again tonight. I really should have gone last night.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Oh come on! I even know to not hold it in overnight!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. I didn\u2019t have to go, though!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Did you try pushing?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Course. I almost had a fucking aneurism.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Damn.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Constipation bro.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Constipation.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Constipation?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE\/DIZZLE. Exactly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Is it constipation if you don\u2019t go everyday?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Yeah, I think that counts\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. You don\u2019t go everyday?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Nope.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. HOW DO YOU LIVE?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. I love shitting.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. I don\u2019t know, I just can\u2019t go everyday.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Dude, FIBER.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. BANANAS!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Do you know what helps though?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE\/DIZZLE. What?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Activia.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. (Sings)<\/em> ACTIV-VIA!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Dude, I should tell my mom to get on that shit.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. She constipated?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Chronically.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Preach.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Except she can\u2019t eat yogurt.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. What?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Yeah, she\u2019s like semi-lactose intolerant.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Shit.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Bless her.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Ya know you guys, I\u2019m lactose intolerant.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Oh, honey.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. You shitting me?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. You know, I never really understood that expression. Like, \u201cNo, I\u2019m not shitting you<\/em>\u2026?\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Anyway. (Awkward pause)<\/em> But yeah, one time I had a salad for lunch and a huge pizza for dinner. Usually it doesn\u2019t bother me, but my roommate made me drink this smoothie.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. What a bitch.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Yeah! And she knows I\u2019m lactose intolerant! She was like pissed that I didn\u2019t finish it either.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Oh damn. Oh boy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. See, I made a bad choice and delayed the poop.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Delayed?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Yup. I waited to poop until the next night \u2013 hours before my flight to London.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. So wait! Was the poop delayed or the flight?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. I can\u2019t help but think your poops are the fastest things you process, Carly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Huh?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE\/DIZZLE. Exactly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. I can never delay.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. It\u2019s a life skill, dude.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. What do you do if like, your boyfriend is coming over to have sex?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Well, I mean\u2026.I usually go.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Well, I mean, my boyfriend and I compete to see who can shit the fastest\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. That\u2019s love.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. I can\u2019t shit if he\u2019s over, and I can\u2019t shit at his place either.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Back to the sex thing\u2026you actually shit before sex?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Well, I mean, if you gotta go \u2013<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Don\u2019t you WORRY?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. Yeah dude, what if like, you\u2019re not\u2026<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Not what?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. What she\u2019s saying is\u2026what if you missed a spot?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Missed a spot?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

DIZZLE. If you shit before your boyfriend comes over, you HAVE to shower.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE. Have to.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

CARLY. Have to?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

KATHERINE\/DIZZLE. Exactly.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The girls laugh for a few moments before returning to their homework.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

CARLY. Guys\u2026I\u2019ve got the sweats.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Blackout.\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Photo Credit<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Hey All! Below is a collaborative piece that my friends and I wrote for our final in playwriting. And yes – OF COURSE – we got an A! So, I would like to thank Jaclyn Pellerin and Emily Winters who wrote the piece with me! It definitely got a lot of laughs when we read […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":983,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0},"categories":[6],"tags":[20,32,59,85],"yoast_head":"\nGirls Don't Poop - Dahv Daniels<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Hey All! Below is a collaborative piece that my friends and I wrote for our final in playwriting. And yes - OF COURSE - we got an A! 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