I have made some of the worst decisions when I was bored.
When I say decisions, I’m referring to ones that apply to my own emotions and mentality.
I’m not standing in line at a food court, bored out of my mind, ordering a slice of cheesecake even though I am lactose intolerant. Now that’s self abuse right there.
But no, I am focusing on times when I’ve sat alone in my room, aimlessly scrolling through my Facebook or Twitter newsfeed. I have no motivation to do anything productive. I’m too lazy to start a project, my homework, or clean my room, you name it. So instead, I decide to let my idle mind take the wheel and steer me into hours upon hours of self-manipulation.
Self-manipulation is not necessarily physically hurting oneself.
I believe that our repressed thoughts or stream of consciousness has the power to either keep us up and positive or to kick us down. But who has control of letting these thoughts funnel through?
Let’s be real, sitting alone in a room for hours upon end is not ideal for anyone who is looking to have fun (unless you are committed to binge-watching Netflix). Nonetheless, keeping yourself contained in a room, not motivated to do anything, is not healthy.
In the past, I found myself initiating conversations with those in my life that were toxic. I was bored; I needed entertainment…why not talk to someone who makes me feel like shit? Sure, brain! Sounds great!
But hey – in the contrary – if I put my phone away for roughly a couple hours and read that book I’ve been wanting to or cleaned out my closet (physical closet, no metaphor here), I may feel better about myself.
Either when I am writing or just doing chores, my mind is always going. I am a very imaginative person. This skill works perfectly when I am brainstorming ideas or typing out a draft. But this skill turns against me when I lock myself in my room with no intention of doing anything fun or productive.
Questions like this surface:
What the fuck are you doing with your life?
You really think you are a good friend?
You’re a horrible girlfriend, you know that?
You think you deserve this?
Why don’t you think for yourself for once?
And on and on and on…
This sounds comical right?
Stop laughing. If you’ve never experienced a bantering stream of consciousness, you are lying.
Also – if you’ve never purposely erupted this inner-dialogue in your head for the sake of enjoyment, you are lying too.
Sometimes we get so inside ourselves, we venture into this little fantasy world.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’ve pushed everyone important in your life away from you for the sake of delving deeper into thought that will not benefit you.
In this case, I am not referring to depression or anxiety. I am simply elaborating on something I discovered when I was bored. I discovered ridiculous reasons to feel sorry for myself, when I could have spent time cherishing the good in my life and using it as an influence in my writing.
What I’m trying to get at here is, sometimes we may like to feel pain when and where no pain is inflicted. We get so inside of ourselves, we forget to lookout for others that are dear to us.
Everyone has bad days. Life fucks with you, no doubt.
But don’t isolate yourself simply because you fear trying something new.