Below is a collaborative piece that my friends and I wrote for our final in playwriting. And yes – OF COURSE – we got an A! So, I would like to thank Jaclyn Pellerin and Emily Winters who wrote the piece with me! It definitely got a lot of laughs when we read it aloud in class, so I hope you all enjoy!
A café. Katherine, Carly and Dizzle are sitting around a table drinking coffee. They have books spread across the table as though studying.
DIZZLE. (Looking up from her notebook) I got the sweats.
KATHERINE. Oh, that’s rough.
DIZZLE. You know, the sweats…
CARLY. Seriously, what are you talking about?
DIZZLE. You know like, when you really have to poop? And it’s so bad that you like, have the sweats.
CARLY. Eww! Really?
KATHERINE. Has that ever happened to you?
KATHERINE. She’s definitely lying.
CARLY. No guys, seriously. I have no idea what you’re talking about.
KATHERINE. Look, every girl on the planet has experienced this. We just usually can’t talk about it because boys think we don’t poop.
DIZZLE. Dude this one time at camp, I didn’t poop for like the entire time.
CARLY. The whole time?
KATHERINE. That’s the worst.
DIZZLE. Yeah dude, I had like…Burger King right before I got dropped off for camp. And I had never had BK before, so obviously I got a Whopper.
KATHERINE. And that’s why I don’t eat fast food-
CARLY. Wait, stop. You’re telling me that just because you ate Burger King, you didn’t poop for like a week?
DIZZLE. That’s exactly what I’m saying. The first day wasn’t so bad. But by the third, shit man…
CARLY. I don’t get it.
KATHERINE. Well, it starts with your stomach just like, making noises. Brrghhhh.
DIZZLE. Yeah. It’s just slightly uncomfortable at first. And then it just progresses to like, fidgeting.
KATHERINE. And then shakes.
DIZZLE. And then your face starts getting sweaty.
CARLY. You mean like, actually sweaty?
DIZZLE. Like ACTUALLY sweaty.
CARLY. Okay, I guess I’ve maybe had them. Maybe.
KATHERINE. Carly, there aren’t any boys here. You can talk about these things. No one will know…
DIZZLE. Yeah, come on. You have to have a good shit story. Everyone does.
CARLY. I don’t think I do –
KATHERINE. Oh! I have one! My little sister, about four years ago, farted when we were in the car. She thought it was just a far, but I guess it was a wet one. And like, she told our parents and they stopped. She was like, “Mom, I pooped myself.” And my mom was like, “WHAT?!” and she was like “Yeah.” So we stopped and there was like a wet spot when she got up. They had to throw her underwear out.
CARLY. Oh my God! That’s so bad!
DIZZLE. (Nodding) Sharts.
KATHERINE. Yeah man. Sharts.
KATHERINE. Oh! You know what else is the worst? PERIOD FARTS.
CARLY. (Looking around) You guys! We are not talking about this right now. Someone is going to hear –
DIZZLE. Aw shit man, those are definitely the worst. Come on, Carly, even you have to admit that those are bad.
CARLY. Well, yeah…they’re bad.
KATHERINE. Not only do they feel worse, they smell worse…
DIZZLE. That always happens to me in Robert Frost…
KATHERINE. Enough pretending, Carly. Just give us something.
CARLY. Well, there is something that always happens to me in Robert Frost…
DIZZLE. Go on.
KATHERINE. Yes, go on.
CARLY. (Hesistates for a moment) Well, okay fine. You know when like, you’re walking and all of a sudden you just let out like…a stream of farts?
DIZZLE. OH MY GOD, YES!
KATHERINE. YES! Just like, little bursts of them!
CARLY. Well, I can’t walk down the third floor hall without The Stream.
CARLY. (Giggling) I know!
DIZZLE. Well, now whenever we walk down the third floor hallway and it smells…
KATHERINE. We’ll know Carly was there!
CARLY. (Throwing her books across the table at Katherine and laughing) Shut up.
DIZZLE. On the topic of period stuff…period shits are so bad. It’s like molten when you go.
KATHERINE. Been there.
CARLY. Exactly! It’s like, you KNOW you’re gonna be sitting there wiping for at least ten minutes.
DIZZLE. Ten minutes MINIMUM.
KATHERINE. Yeah dude. And then you always have to change your tamp when you’re there because there’s just so much going on, you don’t want to risk getting anything UP there.
DIZZLE. Tacks on another five minutes…
CARLY. At least. You gotta do a courtesy flush with that shit.
DIZZLE. Guess what happened to me this morning?
KATHERINE. Did you get the sweats?
DIZZLE. Hell yeah. Alright, so you know I had my orientation at Old Navy this morning right?
CARLY. Yeah, from ten to two right?
KATHERINE. Ten o’ clock is my favorite time to shit.
DIZZLE. Mine too, man, but I was busy! (Sighs) Anyway, so I was about to head out the door and I started getting the sweats. Major sweats!
CARLY. Oh my God, gross!
KATHERINE. Shh, Shh, Carly! Dizzle, keep going!
DIZZLE. Okay, okay, okay! Listen, listen (pause) So…I’m standing in my kitchen, like this (stands up and squats). I was squatting it up cause I could feel the shit like, slipping down into my ass! It’s bad when you can feel it coming without needing to give it a good push.
CARLY. I always have to push.
KATHERINE. Pushing is for pussies.
DIZZLE. You shit out of your vag?
CARLY. (Sighs, disgusted) I can’t believe we are talking about this…
KATHERINE. Keep going – I’m listening!
DIZZLE. Okay, so I run to the bathroom, and blast off a quick shit. And I’m thinking shit, I gotta go to work, so maybe I can finish this later. (Sits back down) So I stand up, wipe, wash my hands and I’m getting ready to leave when it happens…again!
KATHERINE. Wow. I can usually save my shits for later.
CARLY. Oh wow. Shits getting real.
DIZZLE. Well said. (Pause) My mom even asked if I was prairie-dogging. My face must have been full of sweat! So I grab my bags and take them into the bathroom with me. And of course the second I go back into the bathroom, the carpenter shows up…so I locked the door.
KATHERINE. I don’t mind company when I shit.
CARLY. I can never shit when we have company.
DIZZLE. Anyway. Let’s just say, I made it to Old Navy just in time. (Pause) I’m probably gonna shit again tonight. I really should have gone last night.
CARLY. Oh come on! I even know to not hold it in overnight!
DIZZLE. I didn’t have to go, though!
KATHERINE. Did you try pushing?
DIZZLE. Course. I almost had a fucking aneurism.
KATHERINE. Constipation bro.
CARLY. Is it constipation if you don’t go everyday?
KATHERINE. Yeah, I think that counts…
DIZZLE. You don’t go everyday?
DIZZLE. HOW DO YOU LIVE?
KATHERINE. I love shitting.
CARLY. I don’t know, I just can’t go everyday.
DIZZLE. Dude, FIBER.
CARLY. Do you know what helps though?
DIZZLE. (Sings) ACTIV-VIA!
KATHERINE. Dude, I should tell my mom to get on that shit.
DIZZLE. She constipated?
KATHERINE. Except she can’t eat yogurt.
KATHERINE. Yeah, she’s like semi-lactose intolerant.
CARLY. Bless her.
DIZZLE. Ya know you guys, I’m lactose intolerant.
CARLY. Oh, honey.
KATHERINE. You shitting me?
CARLY. You know, I never really understood that expression. Like, “No, I’m not shitting you…?”
DIZZLE. Anyway. (Awkward pause) But yeah, one time I had a salad for lunch and a huge pizza for dinner. Usually it doesn’t bother me, but my roommate made me drink this smoothie.
KATHERINE. What a bitch.
DIZZLE. Yeah! And she knows I’m lactose intolerant! She was like pissed that I didn’t finish it either.
CARLY. Oh damn. Oh boy.
DIZZLE. See, I made a bad choice and delayed the poop.
DIZZLE. Yup. I waited to poop until the next night – hours before my flight to London.
CARLY. So wait! Was the poop delayed or the flight?
KATHERINE. I can’t help but think your poops are the fastest things you process, Carly.
CARLY. I can never delay.
DIZZLE. It’s a life skill, dude.
KATHERINE. What do you do if like, your boyfriend is coming over to have sex?
CARLY. Well, I mean….I usually go.
DIZZLE. Well, I mean, my boyfriend and I compete to see who can shit the fastest…
KATHERINE. That’s love.
CARLY. I can’t shit if he’s over, and I can’t shit at his place either.
KATHERINE. Back to the sex thing…you actually shit before sex?
CARLY. Well, I mean, if you gotta go –
KATHERINE. Don’t you WORRY?
DIZZLE. Yeah dude, what if like, you’re not…
CARLY. Not what?
KATHERINE. What she’s saying is…what if you missed a spot?
CARLY. Missed a spot?
DIZZLE. If you shit before your boyfriend comes over, you HAVE to shower.
KATHERINE. Have to.
CARLY. Have to?
The girls laugh for a few moments before returning to their homework.
CARLY. Guys…I’ve got the sweats.