Erin and Maggie are standing in the lobby of the academic building. Around them are a few groups of people. Everyone has his or her backpacks with him or her.
MAGGIE. Did Kelley talk about Kay last night?
ERIN. Of course. (Laughs)
MAGGIE. She’s obsessed.
ERIN. Oh, more than likely.
MAGGIE. I mean who wouldn’t be?
ERIN. I know, right? I think I have a girl-crush on Kay. (Chuckles)
MAGGIE. You do?
ERIN. (Laughs) No, no. I was kidding!
MAGGIE. Oh okay. I was going to say, don’t tell Kay that. (Pause) She’s not really a touchy-feely person, especially with girls.
ERIN. Oh, okay. (Pause) Has she ever…you know?
MAGGIE. God, no! A lot of girls have wanted to…you know.
ERIN. Oh wow. Well, I can see why.
MAGGIE. She’s super cute! Who wouldn’t love that? (Slightly smiles)
ERIN. I love her hair too.
MAGGIE. She has really pretty eyes, too. And eyebrows.
Kay walks on stage and walks over to Maggie and Erin. Everyone watches her walk.
MAGGIE. (Approaches Kay) Boo! (Hugs Kay) How was your test? (Releases hug)
KAY. Pretty good! (Looks at Erin) Sup, Erin?
ERIN. Hey, Kay! I love your jacket.
KAY. Thanks –
MAGGIE. (Touches Kay’s arm) Doesn’t it look awesome on her? (Looks at Kay) You smell really good.
KAY. Oh, good! I was getting the sweats when I was taking my test. I feel like I should reapply my deodorant.
Maggie laughs and leans into Kay. She has one arm around Kay.
KAY. You know, sweats.
ERIN. Sweats from being nervous?
KAY. Sure. From being nervous, sweats from not taking a shit.
ERIN. I’m sorry. What did you just say?
KAY. You know. When you have to go. You get the sweats.
ERIN. (Turns to Maggie) You know about this?
MAGGIE. Of course I do!
KAY. I should tell you one of my shit stories some time. Maybe at dinner tonight? (Laughs)
ERIN. Of course! When are you –?
MAGGIE. I might get called into work early. (Frowns and holds onto Kay’s arm)
KAY. Damn. I thought you weren’t on schedule.
MAGGIE. Me too. But uh…they called me earlier and said they may need me tonight.
KAY. You want to get dinner at six?
MAGGIE. (Overlaps Erin) I can’t!
ERIN. (Overlaps Maggie) Sounds great!
KAY. Let’s hope I don’t get the sweats during dinner.
MAGGIE. Can we go to my car? I want to drop my stuff off.
KAY. I’ll see you tonight, Erin.
Erin waves goodbye and walks off stage. Maggie lets go of Kay’s arm and sighs.
MAGGIE. Weren’t you listening to me?
KAY. You want to go to your car?
MAGGIE. I mean, we don’t have to.
Kay sighs and puts her hands in her pockets.
MAGGIE. (Whines) Aww. What’s the matter?
KAY. You’re so difficult sometimes.
MAGGIE. I drive you crazy, huh? (Pause) You look really cute.
KAY. Stop it.
MAGGIE. You do though. (Pause) Let’s go to my car, alright?
Kay starts to walk off stage. Maggie jogs towards her, following her.
Erin and Kay are sitting at a table enjoying dinner.
KAY. So listen to this shit.
ERIN. I’m all ears! (Grabs her drink, leans in to listen)
KAY. Last week, I’m taking a test in math. This was the week where my teacher had the walker. For the whole class, she’s just standing there – directly in front of my desk – like this (stands up, legs apart, leaning forward, hands out). She would occasionally sway her hips. (Sways hips) I think she was movin’ her hips to keep herself awake.
ERIN. (Laughs) Why didn’t she just sit down?
KAY. I’m guessing that she broke her ass? (Pause) If you aint got no money, take your broke ass home! (Starts to beat box and then sits down) Anyway.
ERIN. That was something else.
KAY. Just a tick. It’s a Kay thing. (Smiles)
KAY. Moving on, so I’m halfway done with the test, and I start getting the sweats. My stomach is all like (grabs onto stomach) bbbrrghh! I start prairie-dogging, and I’m just praying that I can hold it in for five more problems! But nope, my ass was like a slip n’ slide! (Erin laughs) I run to the bathroom, dodge my math teacher, and go to the first open stall I see!
ERIN. (Laughing hysterically) I can’t…I can’t breathe! Oh my God!
KAY. I’m clenching onto the side of the toilet like this (grabs onto the sides of her chair and makes a pained face expression). It’s bad when you sweat more as you shit! So it was getting wicked hot in there, I’m feeling up the wall, pushing it away, wanting more room. (Flexes) See these biceps, got these from the wall-pushing! Can’t get a body like this (leans back) and expect not to shit like a pro!
ERIN. You are a pro! (Laughs)
KAY. Dude. I should get paid for my shits.
ERIN. People would pay millions to see you shit.
KAY. Oh yeah? You think? (Chuckles)
ERIN. This conversation is priceless. Girls never talk about bathroom humor.
KAY. This isn’t even a joke. This is life. (Sips her drink) So, do you have a good shit story?
ERIN. Nothing compares to what you just told me. (Laughs) I don’t really have a story, but let’s just say, I am not ashamed to take a dump.
KAY. What a woman. (Takes a bite)
ERIN. If I have to shit, I’m not going to hold it in just because there is someone else in the bathroom.
KAY. You let it out?
ERIN. I destroy it! I’m not embarrassed to walk in with a couple magazines. Who cares?
KAY. What do you read when you poop?
ERIN. Anything really. Sometimes I do my homework on the toilet.
KAY. You are so dedicated. My goodness. (Smiles) I usually read Cosmo or MAD. But if I’m having a painful shit, I can’t look at anything. The worst is when you open up a magazine and there’s an ad for a restaurant! It’s like, I don’t want to see a picture of what I just ate as I’m shitting it!
ERIN. Right?! I hate when it burns. Do your farts ever hurt?
KAY. Hell yeah! That’s when you know it’s gonna be bad.
ERIN. Definitely. (Pause) Wow. This conversation was fantastic.
KAY. I hate when people are so uptight about their bowel movements. Girls especially! (Whispers) It’s like…I know you shit, honey.
ERIN. Exactly. Kelley is kind of like that.
KAY. Could have guessed. (Pause) Question…is she religious?
ERIN. She’s actually an atheist. (Laughs) Why?
KAY. Oh. Cause she seemed really uncomfortable whenever I dropped an F bomb.
ERIN. Mmmm. Yeah. I’ve actually never heard her say fuck. (Shrugs shoulders)
KAY. I’ll keep that in mind. (Pause) Wow. I feel awful. (Nervously laughs)
ERIN. Don’t worry about it. (Touches Kay’s arm. Kay pulls away) Oh, sorry.
KAY. (Laughs nervously) It’s okay. (Crosses arms) I’m not a touchy-feeling kind of person.
ERIN. Yeah. That’s what Maggie said.
Kelley walks on stage, rubbing her eyes. She walks up beside Erin.
ERIN. Oh my goodness, sweetie, are you alright?
KELLEY. I-I just got off the phone…the phone with my mom. (Cries) They’re gonna put Mikey down. (Collapses onto Erin, crying)
ERIN. Oh, honey! I am so sorry. (Rubs her back) That is awful.
KAY. Kelley…I’m…I’m really sorry for your loss.
KELLEY. (Looks up) Why-why are you sorry? (Stands up)
KAY. Someone died…that’s an awful thing. I feel for you.
KELLEY. You have no idea what I am going through.
Kay remains silent and looks down.
ERIN. I am sure that Kay understands what you are going through. We both do.
KELLEY. Can you come to my room?
ERIN. Kay and I are still –
KAY. (Stands up and grabs her stuff) I actually need to meet Maggie. (Checks phone) She’s gonna help me with my math.
ERIN. Oh, alright. Let’s get dinner again soon, okay? (Smiles)
KAY. That’d be great! (Smiles)
KELLEY. I’m really sorry for intruding.
KAY. Don’t worry about it. (Goes to walk off-stage)
KELLEY. Have fun in the car tonight.
Kay fakes a smile and walks off-stage. Kelley falls into Erin’s arms crying. Lights Fade. Blackout.
Kay’s dorm room. There are two beds and two desks. One bed is stage right, upstage and turned horizontally towards the audience. At the end of the bed, against the footboard is a desk. On the desk is a ton of notebooks and a laptop. On stage left, downstage there is another bed positioned the same way. A desk is aligned against the headboard. Both beds are unmade. From stage left, Maggie and Kay walk in. Kay throws her bag on the downstage bed and takes her shoes off. Maggie hesitantly walks in.
MAGGIE. Where’s your roommate?
KAY. Soccer game.
MAGGIE. (Checks phone) It’s almost ten.
KAY. There’s a party after. She said she might not come back.
MAGGIE. Oooh! (Puts bag on Kay’s bed) So you’re going to be alone tonight?
KAY. Mmmhmm! (Laughs nervously) Too bad John was working tonight, right?
MAGGIE. Yeah. I know.
Pause. Kay sits on her bed, moves her bag to the floor and takes out her laptop. Maggie hesitantly sits down next to Kay. They’re both facing the audience.
KAY. Ah shit! (Gets up, goes to her desk, opens a drawer) I’ve been sweating all day. (Reapplies deodorant)
MAGGIE. (Laughs) Come on. You always smell good.
KAY. I wish!
MAGGIE. You do!
Kay sits back down on the bed.
MAGGIE. You do. (Cuddles up to Kay. Kay leans back on her hands)
KAY. So uh…I had dinner with Erin tonight.
MAGGIE. (Leans away) How was that?
KAY. Great. She’s awesome.
MAGGIE. She thinks you’re awesome.
KAY. What? (Laughs) I just met her.
MAGGIE. She talked about you after you two met. Well, I talked about you.
KAY. You talk about me?
MAGGIE. You’re my best friend! (Wraps her arms around Kay’s sides and hugs)
KAY. I know, I know. (Puts laptop on lap and types away)
MAGGIE. (Leans away) Erin told me she has a girl-crush on you.
KAY. (Laughs) What?
MAGGIE. Well, she denied it. But she probably does.
KAY. (Confused) What the hell is a girl-crush anyway?
MAGGIE. It’s when a girl has a crush on another girl that they know they could never be with. Like you! You have a boyfriend. Erin could never be with you, because you have John.
MAGGIE. (Punches Kay in the arm) Take it as a compliment! You’re pretty. Anyone would want to be with you.
KAY. Whatever. (Laughs) I doubt she has a crush on me.
MAGGIE. You don’t know that.
KAY. I confessed to her about one of my bowel movements at dinner tonight. That’s not very sexy.
MAGGIE. So what? It’s funny! You tell me those stories all the time.
KAY. Yeah. But you’ve known me longer!
MAGGIE. Only since September, Kay.
KAY. Well, you understand my humor more than she probably does.
MAGGIE. And I love you!
KAY. So does Erin! (Laughs)
MAGGIE. She may not have a crush on you, though.
KAY. Are you saying you do? (Stares at Maggie)
Pause. Maggie turns away
MAGGIE. I read somewhere that most crushes last up to four months.
KAY. Then it just stops?
MAGGIE. Well, if it continues…it must be love right?
KAY. It’s been (checks watch) forty-eight hours since I met Erin. Let’s hope whatever she’s feeling (motions towards head and crotch) stops soon.
MAGGIE. Give her a break! It’s hard to get over someone like you.
KAY. Someone like me?
MAGGIE. (Smiles) You and your swag. (Kisses Kay on the cheek. Kay closes her eyes and exhales) Kay, what’s wrong?
KAY. Oh. Nothing. I’m just thinking…thinking about Kelley.
MAGGIE. (Grabs Kay’s hand) What’d she do this time?
KAY. She came to Erin, crying, saying that her mom was going to put Mikey down.
MAGGIE. Oh no! Mikey?
KAY. So I said what I thought was the right thing: “I’m sorry for your loss.” (Looks at Maggie) She asked me why I was sorry. (Sighs) What does that even mean? Of course I am sorry. Someone important, someone close to her died. Her dog died! (Rubs eyes) What the fuck…Fuck! I keep saying that word. She-she can’t stand me cause I drop a few F bombs, who gives a shit? We are in college. I try being nice to her. I say hi to her, I offered her gum, I –
MAGGIE. You’re so sweet. You offer everyone gum.
KAY. I-I said that I’m sorry for her loss. (Puts head down and cries a little) I am trying…I am trying to talk to her. And she takes everything I say out of context. (Looks up, wipes nose with back of sleeve) Sorry isn’t just sorry to her…I’m apparently being a bitch. Because I said I was sorry, I don’t understand her. (Yells) I mean, there is no way in hell that I understand what it’s like to have a loss in the family.
MAGGIE. (Holds Kay) Maybe I should talk to her. You’re only trying to be nice.
KAY. No. It’s okay.
MAGGIE. It’s not okay! You’re really upset about this.
KAY. I don’t want her to know I am – that’ll just add fuel to the fire. (Pause) Maybe I could get her a card. Tell her I’m sorry again, but this time in writing. (Wipes nose and eyes) I am a writing major. (Smiles)
MAGGIE. She’ll like that. (Holds Kay’s hand)
KAY. Did your work end up calling you?
MAGGIE. No. I just did some work in the library until you texted me.
KAY. Maggie! You could have joined us for dinner. I didn’t know you were still on campus until I texted you.
MAGGIE. I don’t know. You seemed really pumped to have dinner with just Erin.
KAY. You could have come.
MAGGIE. You didn’t invite me though.
KAY. (Frustrated) But you said…(calms down) never mind, you’re right. I should have texted you. I didn’t know.
MAGGIE. No, you’re right. You are always right. (Looks at Kay) I should have told you I was free.
KAY. It’s all good. And I’m not always right, silly.
MAGGIE. (Grabs Kay’s nose) Oh! I got your nose!
KAY. (Annoying voice) Give it back!
Maggie moves her hand up, down, side to side as Kay tries to catch it. Maggie starts to playfully push Kay; Kay pushes her back. As they continue to play, Maggie gets up on her knees and pushes Kay down. Maggie is now straddling Kay.
KAY. Whoa. (Pushes Maggie off) What was that?
KAY. That wasn’t funny.
KAY. (Pulls on Maggie’s arm) Hey. Mag. Look at me.
Maggie gets up and grabs her backpack.
MAGGIE. Wanna walk me to my car?
KAY. What? You just got here. I need help with –
MAGGIE. It’s late. I should get going.
KAY. I’ll see you tomorrow then.
Kay continues to type on her laptop. Maggie stays in the room.
KAY. (Looks up) What?
MAGGIE. Aren’t you going to walk me to my car?
KAY. I have a lot of work to do, Mag.
MAGGIE. (Frustrated) Really? (Pause) I didn’t park that far away.
KAY. I said I have a lot of work to do.
MAGGIE. I’m sorry that I can’t help you tonight. Can you please –?
KAY. I wish you kinda told me earlier.
MAGGIE. How was I supposed to know?
KAY. How were you supposed to know about work tonight? You didn’t tell me that either!
MAGGIE. (Crosses arms) I said I was sorry. I said you were right. You are always right.
KAY. I’m not, Maggie. (Pause) The last thing I am is right.
MAGGIE. You’re right to me. And that’s all that matters.
MAGGIE. I can stay for a little bit longer if you want. We can go over your math homework.
KAY. Nah. I’ll just…I’ll just walk you to your car.
Kay starts to walk towards stage left. Maggie grabs her hand, pulls her in and hugs her. The hug releases and Kay lets Maggie walk offstage first.
The library. Upstage there are a couple bookshelves. To the left there is a round table and to the right is a rectangular table. Each table has four chairs. Maggie and Kay are sitting at the rectangular table. They’re sitting across from each other. Maggie has a bag of gifts beside her and her backpack. Kay has her backpack beside her.
KAY. (Whispers) Hey…hey. Erin and I are going to watch Family Guy tonight; you want to watch with us?
MAGGIE. I’d love to. I think I can. (Smiles)
KAY. How’s your work coming along?
MAGGIE. Eh. It’s okay. Just finishing up my English final. (Goes to grab the bag of gifts)
KAY. (Stands up) I’m going to go get a drink. You want anything?
MAGGIE. (Lets go of gift bag) No. No thanks.
Kay starts to walk off stage when Kelley walks on. They bump into each other.
KAY. Kelley. Hi.
KAY. I actually have something for you.
KELLEY. (Surprised) You do?
They walk over to Kay’s bag. Kelley and Maggie greet each other with a wave. Kay pulls out an envelope and pack of gum from her bag.
KAY. (Hands Kelley the envelope and gum) Just wanted to say that I’m sorry for your loss. Again.
Maggie looks down and continues her work.
KELLEY. Oh my goodness. Thank-thank you…
KAY. I got you strawberry banana gum. I know how much you hate mint.
KELLEY. Kay…thank you so –
KAY. Don’t even worry about it. (Smiles)
Kay walks off stage.
KELLEY. Wow. (Takes out a piece of gum)
MAGGIE. Can I have a piece?
KELLEY. Hell no. She didn’t get you any. (Chews piece and laughs. Looks down and points at gift bag) Bag?
MAGGIE. Her birthday is during finals week. Thought I’d give her presents now.
KELLEY. Finals aren’t until two weeks from now, Mag.
MAGGIE. (Shrugs shoulders) I like being early? I don’t know. (Looks down and continues doing work)
KELLEY. Okay, whatever. (Laughs) It’s kinda weird.
MAGGIE. (Aggravated) What are you doing here?
KELLEY. I’m waiting on Erin to get here. We are doing homework together. (Pause) What are you doing here?
MAGGIE. Kay wanted to come here.
KELLEY. Aww, you having a homework date, too?
KELLEY. You two have a table to yourselves. You’re doing homework. You brought a gift. (Laughs and punches Maggie in the arm) Just playing with you. It’s cute.
MAGGIE. We are just two friends doing homework together.
KELLEY. (Crosses arms) Just friends, Maggie?
Maggie glares at Kelley.
KELLEY. I didn’t mean it like –
MAGGIE. Like what, Kell?
Erin walks on from stage right and sits down at the circular table.
ERIN. Kell! Come sit with me.
KELLEY. I gotta go…(Kelley walks to the other table and sits with Erin)
Kay walks back on stage and sits down at her table. She has a drink with her. She goes to take a sip when Erin comes up behind her and puts her hands over Kay’s eyes.
ERIN. Guess who?
KAY. Damn it. I hate this.
ERIN. Shh! I said guess who!
KAY. Okay, okay, okay. (Grabs Erin’s wrists and goes up her arm)
ERIN. You’re cheating! You’re cheating!
KAY. I’m not looking!
ERIN. You’re cheating! Kay!
MAGGIE. Kay. Hey, Kay.
ERIN. Kelley! Help me!
KAY. Oh! I know it’s not Kelley!
ERIN. Shit! Someone help!
Erin and Kay are hysterically laughing. Maggie gets up and starts to walk offstage.
ERIN. Maggie. Mag! Where are you going?
MAGGIE. I’ll be right back. (Walks off stage)
KAY. Erin. Is that you?
ERIN. (Uncovers Kay’s eyes and claps) Yay! So proud of you! (Fake kisses Kay’s cheeks. Sits next to Kay) Why don’t you come join us?
KAY. I’m doing homework with…well I was doing homework with Maggie.
ERIN. Yeah. She just left.
KAY. She does that sometimes. (Pause) We still on for watching Family Guy tonight?
ERIN. Of course!
KAY. Maggie may come along, too.
ERIN. Unless she blows you off. (Laughs)
ERIN. I mean, since I’m going to be there.
KAY. Right. Right.
ERIN. It’s just, she seems to really like being with just you.
KAY. You noticed it, too?
Maggie walks back onstage.
KAY. Everything okay?
MAGGIE. Yeah…yeah. I don’t think I can watch Family Guy with you two tonight.
KAY. It’s okay, dude.
MAGGIE. I can still get dinner though!
ERIN. (Touches Kay’s shoulder) I’ll see you tonight, boo.
Erin walks to her table. Maggie glares at Erin.
KAY. You sure that everything is okay, Mag?
MAGGIE. (Angry) Yes. I’m with you.
KAY. You want to leave?
MAGGIE. You want to be here, don’t you?
KAY. If it makes you –
MAGGIE. Do you not want to sit with me?
KAY. No. That’s not it at all.
MAGGIE. You can sit with Erin. I don’t mind.
KAY. I came here with you. I will leave here with you.
MAGGIE. Doesn’t mean you want to be here with me.
KAY. (Raises voice) I don’t know what you want me to say.
MAGGIE. Then say nothing.
KAY. Why are you so fuckin’ difficult?
Kelley and Erin look over.
MAGGIE. (Starts to tear-up) I just want to make sure that you’re happy.
KAY. We are doing homework. (Pause) How happy can I be?
MAGGIE. I’m happy just because I’m with you.
KELLEY. Mag. You okay?
MAGGIE. There’s nothing to worry about, Kell.
KAY. Nothing’s wrong. Nothing’s happening –
KELLEY. I’m not talking to you, Kay.
MAGGIE. Knock it off, Kell.
MAGGIE. Maybe I should go. (Gets up and puts stuff in her backpack)
Kay doesn’t react. She remains silent.
MAGGIE. (Leans down, picks up gift bag and puts it on the table) Happy Birthday. (Maggie walks offstage, rubbing her eyes)
Silence. Kay slowly opens the bag, looks in and then pushes it away.
KELLEY. I knew you were bad news. (Picks up stuff and starts to walk offstage) You have no idea what you are dealing with.
KAY. (Struggling) This has been a huge misunderstanding. I don’t –
KELLEY. Shut the fuck up.
KELLEY. Erin. Don’t even. (Looks at Kay) You’re a borderline bitch.
ERIN. (Comes up behind Kay) Kay has been nothing but nice to you, Kelley! Stay out of it. (Pause) She gave you a card. She gave you gum.
Kelley walks up to Kay’s table and takes out the card and gum. She rips the card in half and throws the pack of gum at Kay. She walks offstage.
KAY. So much for being nice, huh? (Picks up the card and reads it. Smirks) Haven’t written in cursive in years.
ERIN. (Sits down next to Kay) I know you aren’t a fan (grabs Kay’s hand) but listen to me. I am here for you. (Pause) Let’s go to my room. Let’s talk.
KAY. About what? (Laughs nervously) You already know what’s going on here.
ERIN. (Sighs) I know what happened tonight. I saw it. But I want to hear about what has been happening.
KAY. (Tries to keep herself from crying) I’m dealing with someone who treats me…who…who wants more than I can give them. (Pause) Be-because I can’t meet their standards, because I don’t like the way I am being treated, I’m the bad guy. (Laughs nervously) I’m the bad guy. (Raises voice) I’m-I’m the bad guy when she’s the one sabotaging something that doesn’t even exist!
ERIN. Let’s go to my room, Kay. You can –
KAY. You saw what she did tonight? This is so typical Maggie. She makes a scene and then leaves. (Pulls at gift bag) This gift…this gift is just icing on the cake. (Pushes bag off of table) She wants me to feel bad and chase after her.
ERIN. Are you going to?
KAY. Not tonight. (Pause) If she wants to run away, let her fuckin’ run. (Pause) She’s giving herself a head start, hours before the race begins. (Pause) Fuck, she’s already won. (Sighs) I’m nice to her; I’m nice to Kelley. I get nothing out of it. (Clears throat) Two weeks into the school year, I’m waiting in line to pay for my food. Maggie was standing in front of me. She didn’t have her key card. (Laughs) Didn’t even know her and I paid for her meal. Since day one, she’s used me!
ERIN. You didn’t know me, and you paid for my meal!
KAY. I saw you walk in with Kelley. (Pause) After that, Maggie was with me everyday, all day. If we weren’t together, she was either sick or we were in class. We probably looked like a couple to some people.
ERIN. Kelley and I are together all the time –
KAY. You don’t have to lie to me, Erin.
ERIN. (Sighs and leans back) She definitely likes…your body? I don’t know. (Kay laughs) It’s true though. The other day she was all over you. Pulling on your jacket, feeling up your arms. It’s just so –
ERIN. Have you told her to stop?
KAY. Tried. Every day. It’s too late to set boundaries now, especially since her best friend hates my guts.
ERIN. Let Kelley be Kelley. This is about you and Maggie.
KAY. I don’t know how to feel. (Looks at Erin) Has that ever happened to you?
ERIN. (Rubs Kay’s back) No one should make you feel like this. (Pause) She has nothing on you.
Kay looks down and exhales heavily.
ERIN. What are you going to do, Kay?
KAY. (Looks up and wipes eyes) Absolutely nothing.