Scene One
Kelley and Maggie are sitting across from each other at a table center-stage. They are both eating a salad and staring at their phones. To their left and right are tables full of people. Maggie puts down her fork and types on her phone.
MAGGIE. Oh, Kay is here!
KELLEY. Kay? Who?
MAGGIE. You know, Kay. (Pause) Kay! Michaela!
KELLEY. Oh! Oh!
MAGGIE. Yeah. Everyone calls her Kay. I’m guessing you’ve never met her?
KELLEY. No, I have. I’m pretty sure we are in the same English class. She has red hair, right?
MAGGIE. No. Blonde.
KELLEY. That’s right. I think.
MAGGIE. Well, when you see her, you’ll know. (Leans across the table and whispers) No other girl is like Kay.
KELLEY. What do you mean?
MAGGIE. She’s like a tomboy who actually cares about the way she looks.
KELLEY. (Shrugs shoulders) I care about the way I look. (Pulls her hair back into a pony tail) But I wouldn’t say I’m a girly-girl.
MAGGIE. Kay is different. Trust me. She has swag.
KELLEY. She has swag –?
MAGGIE. (Looks up) Oh she’s here! Kay, over here! (Motions over to the table with her hand)
From stage right, Kay struts on stage. Everyone sitting around watches her. Kay has sunglasses on. She’s wearing an unzipped hoodie over her low V-neck shirt. Her jeans have rips in them and are being held up by a belt with an obnoxious belt buckle. Over her shoulder is a black backpack that she grasps onto with one hand; her other hand is kept in her jean pocket. In one motion she takes off her sunglasses and puts her backpack down on the floor.
KAY. (Nods her head upward to Maggie) Wassup?
MAGGIE. Hey, Kay! I want you to meet my friend, Kelley. Kelley, this is Kay.
KAY. (Offers her hand for a handshake) Nice to meet you, I’m Michaela. (They shake hands)
KELLEY. Hi. I’m Kelley. I think we are in the same English class together.
KAY. Hmmm. (Thinks) Professor Luca? Mondays and Thursdays? Two to four?
KELLEY. That’s the one.
KAY. Good class. Sorry I didn’t recognize you. (Pause) Well it’s nice to meet you. (Turns to Maggie) I’mma go get some lunch. I’m fuckin starving.
Kelley slightly winces.
MAGGIE. Did you go to the gym this morning?
KAY. You know it! (Motions all of the exercises with her arms) Did like two reps on the pull-down, four reps on the rower and was on the elliptical for like twenty minutes.
MAGGIE. I can’t believe you can work out in the morning. How do you get out of bed?
KAY. See, I’m the complete opposite. I don’t get how people can go at night.
KELLEY. I don’t get that either.
KAY. (Turns to Kelley) Yeah! After I eat dinner, I wanna go to bed! I wanna turn my Family Guy on and veg. It’s hard to vegetate when your bod’s achin’!
Maggie and Kelley laugh.
KAY. Anyway. I’ll be right back.
Kay walks off stage. Everyone on stage watches her leave.
MAGGIE. Isn’t she great? (Eats her salad)
KELLEY. She’s pretty funny.
MAGGIE. Oh my God! She’s hilarious! She can talk about anything, too. This one time, Kay and I talked about bowel movements for like an hour.
KELLEY. What?!
MAGGIE. You know. We talked about taking a shit.
KELLEY. Oh my goodness! How? Why?
MAGGIE. Just because! We were meeting for coffee and Kay was running late. As soon as she showed up, she told me about her excursion to the bathroom.
KELLEY. In great detail?
MAGGIE. Of course!
KELLEY. That is disgusting!
MAGGIE. She’s like my best friend. We talk about everything!
KELLEY. You’re my best friend and we don’t talk about that.
MAGGIE. We can if you want to –
KELLEY. No, no, no, no! No. I tell you enough already. There is everything and then there’s everything.
MAGGIE. It’s different when Kay and I talk, I guess. She can make me talk about anything.
KELLEY. That’s ridiculous.
MAGGIE. It’s not at all! She’s great at telling stories.
KELLEY. She’s great at telling shit stories?
MAGGIE. Sure. Stories about shit, stories about sex, stories about –
KELLEY. Sex too?
MAGGIE. Kelley, we are in college. (Leans back in chair and crosses arms) We can’t be virgins forever. Some humans have urges!
KELLEY. Are you calling me non-human?
MAGGIE. I am calling you a nun.
KELLEY. I am an atheist!
MAGGIE. Fine! (Pause) You have nun-like qualities. You’re not full-blown nun.
Kay comes back with a sandwich, bag of chips and a drink. As she walks by, others stare. She places her food down, then her drink, then her sunglasses, before sitting down with her legs open. From beneath the table, the audience can see Kay’s sitting position.
MAGGIE. Kay, do you think being a virgin in college is the same as being a nun?
KELLEY. Maggie! (Puts head in hands out of embarrassment)
MAGGIE. (Reaches over and touches Kelley’s arm) It’s fine.
KELLEY. No it’s not!
KAY. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. (Pause) What was the question again?
KELLEY. Nothing. (Glares at Maggie) There wasn’t a question.
KAY. (Puts hands out) No judging here. Whatever it is.
KELLEY. No. It’s personal.
KAY. (Sarcastic) Most things are. (Chuckles)
MAGGIE. The urge always comes at the wrong time.
KAY. (Nods head) Always happens to me in psych.
MAGGIE. Math class.
Kay and Maggie look at Kelley
KELLEY. No comment.
MAGGIE. Be honest with us.
Kelley eats her salad.
KAY. I think the urges are a test. (Pause) It’s God, or whoever is up there, testing to see what is more of a priority to us: (puts out one hand) good grades (puts out other hand) masturbation.
MAGGIE. (Laughs) That does make sense. Maybe –
KELLEY. (Puts fork down) That makes sense? If there really was a God up there, I doubt he cares about how often you want to jack off.
MAGGIE. It’s just a joke, Kelley. Come on!
KAY. Maybe he does care how much we masturbate. You never know. Especially since one of our survival instincts is reproduction. God may be wondering why we aren’t fucking! (Kelley winces) Masturbating doesn’t contribute to the circle of life. It contributes to the circle of…circle of…porn!
Maggie laughs. Kelley remains silent.
KAY. (Looks down at bag of chips) Oh shit. I got the wrong kind. (Gets up) I’ll be right back.
Kay walks off-stage. Everyone watches.
MAGGIE. (Calms down from laughing) Oh my God, she is hilarious. (Takes sips of her drink and looks at Kelley, who is glaring at her) What?
Silence
MAGGIE. Kelley.
Silence.
MAGGIE. Kell. (Pause) Talk to me when you want to.
Kay comes back on stage and sits down with legs open, leaning back.
KAY. (Opens bag of chips and studies the packaging) I think they changed the design on these chips. (Takes a chip and eats it. While chewing) The color is different at least.
KELLEY. I’ll be right back. (Gets up and walks off stage)
Only Kay watches Kelley leave
KAY. I should really practice swallowing my food before speaking.
MAGGIE. She’s just having an off day.
KAY. (Chuckles) Mmm. Okay. (Chuckles some more) Come on, Mag. I saw her wince when I dropped a few F-bombs. (Pause) Look, I didn’t mean to intrude.
MAGGIE. You didn’t. Honest. I wanted to have lunch with you!
KAY. (Smirks) Are you free tomorrow to get lunch?
MAGGIE. (Picks up phone) Let me check. (Looks at screen and then sighs)
KAY. Sup? You busy?
MAGGIE. Not tomorrow. (Gets up and grabs bag and plate of food) I’m sorry, Kay, I –
KAY. It’s all good. (Looks at watch) I have a meeting in like twenty minutes. Text me later if you wanna chill.
MAGGIE. Will do. (Walks over to the other side of the table and picks up Kelley’s stuff)
KAY. (Stands up) I can help you –
MAGGIE. No, I got it. Thanks though.
KAY. (Sits back down) No problem.
Maggie carefully carries the bags and plates of food and walks off stage.
MAGGIE. I’ll text you tonight. Good luck at your meeting.
Lights fade. Black out.
Scene Two
Kelley is sitting at a table alone sipping a cup of coffee. She keeps checking her phone. Finally, Maggie walks on from stage left with a cup of coffee and a plate of coffee cake in her hands.
MAGGIE. Kelley, sorry! (Sits down and breathes heavily as if out of breath)
KELLEY. I’ve been waiting forever!
MAGGIE. Really? (Checks phone) We were supposed to meet at –
KELLEY. Two.
MAGGIE. Oh. I am late.
KELLEY. Where were you? I thought you only had your twelve thirty class today?
MAGGIE. (Takes a bite of her coffee cake) Well, if you really want to know…(Slides coffee cake across table) Want some?
KELLEY. (Leans back in chair) Let it all out.
MAGGIE. I already did.
KELLEY. Eww! You didn’t have math class today!
MAGGIE. Kell! I wouldn’t offer you coffee cake if I masturbated. My goodness.
KELLEY. (Takes a piece) Oh. Thank, God. (Takes a bite)
MAGGIE. Honestly, I just couldn’t get off the toilet.
Kelley grabs a napkin and spits into it
MAGGIE. I washed my hands this time. (Laughs)
KELLEY. (Sighs) Why are we talking about this?
MAGGIE. So, how are you? (Checks phone)
KELLEY. I’m doing okay. I talked to my professor about –
Maggie reads something from her phone and laughs.
KELLEY. Maggie.
MAGGIE. (Looks at Kelley and types on her phone) Yes?
KELLEY. I spoke to my linguistics professor about the test I failed.
Maggie smiles as she types her text message, trying to not let out another laugh.
KELLEY. (Leans back in chair) I’ll just wait.
MAGGIE. (Puts phone down) Okay. I’m listening. You spoke to your physics teacher about the test you passed…and?
KELLEY. Yeah… (Sips coffee) What did you do last night?
MAGGIE. Homework. (Takes a bite of her coffee cake) You?
KELLEY. I did homework last night in the library until it closed. (Laughs uncomfortably) I had a study group room all to myself.
MAGGIE. Oh wow. (Picks up phone) Yeah, the library really isn’t my thing. I can never get work done when I go there.
KELLEY. Oh well…we could always do work in your –
MAGGIE. Room? (Laughs) What room, silly goose?
KELLEY. I meant mine. I know you –
MAGGIE. You like the library though. (Types a message on her phone and laughs) Besides, I was with Kay last night.
KELLEY. No surprise there. (Checks phone)
KAY. (From off-stage) Maggie!
Maggie turns around and watches Kay walk on stage. Her sunglasses are already off and she doesn’t have a backpack with her.
MAGGIE. (Excited) Kay! What are you doing here?
KAY. Didn’t you get my text?
KELLEY. Probably. (Looks away)
KAY. Hey, Kelley. What’s –
MAGGIE. No wait, I did see your text.
KAY. (Pulls card from pocket and hands it to Maggie) You left your key card on my desk.
MAGGIE. Oh my goodness! Thank you so much.
KAY. No worries. (Smiles and takes out a pack of gum) Anyone want a piece?
KELLEY. What’s the flavor?
MAGGIE. No thanks, Kay. (Glares at Kelley)
KAY. (Checks packaging) Spearmint.
KELLEY. Eww! I hate mint.
KAY. (Looks at Maggie) We are getting dinner tonight, right? (Chews on gum)
Kelley glares at Maggie.
MAGGIE. (Looks up at Kay and smiles) Of course. Five?
KAY. Perfect. Wanna chill after? (Puts on sunglasses)
MAGGIE. Love to! I parked behind your dorm today.
KAY. Aww! I don’t mind the walk. (Laughs) See you, Mag! (Walks off stage)
KELLEY. Thanks for making plans.
MAGGIE. You’re invited.
KELLEY. I don’t want to have another meal with her!
MAGGIE. Why the hell not?
KELLEY. She’s bad news.
MAGGIE. (Laughs) You obviously don’t know her that well.
KELLEY. I don’t want to get to know her.
MAGGIE. Kay is my friend. I’m going to get dinner with her.
KELLEY. Just be careful.
MAGGIE. (Laughs) Be careful? She just walked over here, gave me my key card and offered you a piece of gum! (Sarcastic) Wow. What a bitch.
KELLEY. Maybe I shouldn’t come. She probably wants to talk about me.
MAGGIE. Wow. Really? (Pause) If it weren’t for me, Kay wouldn’t even know that you existed.
KELLEY. We are in the same class!
MAGGIE. We are two weeks away from finals. (Pause) You would have never spoken to her.
KELLEY. You don’t know that.
MAGGIE. Whatever. (Shrugs shoulders)
KELLEY. Does she always wear sunglasses?
MAGGIE. (Annoyed) Enough, Kelley.
KELLEY. I’m being serious. Is she trying to be cool or something?
MAGGIE. If you had sunglasses, you’d wear them too! It’s sunny out!
KELLEY. Why are you defending her? It’s just a question!
MAGGIE. Why are you attacking her? It’s just a style!
KELLEY. I’m not! It’s just weird.
MAGGIE. Do you wear a sweatshirt over every low-cut shirt you wear to verify your nun-like qualities?
KELLEY. (Angry) Maggie.
MAGGIE. Just know that you’re still invited.
Awkward pause
MAGGIE. I should go finish up some work before dinner. (Stands up and picks up trash) Text me if you’re coming or not. (Walks off stage)
Lights fade. Blackout.
Scene Three
Maggie and Kay are waiting in line holding trays of food. The line goes across the stage. On stage left there is a woman standing at a register where all the students pay for their food. There are two tables downstage.
MAGGIE. (Checks phone and then puts it back in her pocket) I swear to God, if she shows up unannounced –
KAY. Who?
MAGGIE. Kelley.
KAY. Does she usually make plans last minute?
MAGGIE. No. She’s usually pretty reliable. But –
KAY. But what?
MAGGIE. (Hesitates) She doesn’t…she doesn’t like you.
KAY. Okay?
MAGGIE. I don’t know why, though. You fuckin offered her gum!
KAY. I offer everyone gum! (Laughs)
MAGGIE. She says you’re bad news.
KAY. I’m bad news? Damn. (Sarcastic) Well I’ve been meaning to tell you…to tell you about that night. The night of your birthday. I wasn’t there because I said I was in the hospital, but actually I spent the night in jail for putting someone else in the hospital. (Touches Maggie’s shoulder) Maggie, I’m a hit man. (Sighs)
MAGGIE. (Laughs) If you were one, I wouldn’t be that surprised.
KAY. What?! Now you’re sounding like Kelley!
MAGGIE. Oh hush. You know I love you.
KAY. There’s a thin line between love and hate.
MAGGIE. I could never hate you! (Playfully punches Kay’s arm)
KAY. (Exaggerates) Oh my God! Harassment!
Maggie and Kay freeze in the middle of their action as the spotlight shines on Kelley and Erin who come on from stage-right holding trays of food.
KELLEY. Oh, shit.
ERIN. What?
KELLEY. (Turns away slightly) Kay and Maggie are here.
ERIN. (Obnoxiously looks around) Where?
KELLEY. (Pulls Erin beside her and points) There! At the end of the line.
ERIN. Oh…so what?
KELLEY. I didn’t text Maggie that I was coming.
ERIN. We don’t have to sit with them.
KELLEY. She’s going to find out that we are here. Damn it!
ERIN. Who cares? (Starts walking) I’m getting in line.
KELLEY. (Pulls Erin) Just wait, the line is way too long.
Erin and Kelley freeze. The light comes back on Maggie and Kay.
MAGGIE. (Walks over to register and hands the woman her card) Do you care where we sit?
KAY. Not at all. (Smiles)
Maggie walks over to a table downstage and puts down her stuff
Erin gets behind Kay in line. Kelley hesitantly follows her.
KAY. (Pays for food and walks over to the table) What is with you and this table?
MAGGIE. It’s like our table.
KAY. Our table?
MAGGIE. Yeah. First time we ever got dinner, we sat here.
KAY. (Laughs) Guess that makes sense. (Goes to sit down)
ERIN. (Struggles, checking her pockets for her key card) Fuck. I left my card in my room! (Looks back at Kelley) Can you pay for me?
KELLEY. I have less than two hundred on my meal plan. Hell, no.
ERIN. Please! Just this once.
Kay looks over and notices that Erin is struggling. She walks over to the register.
KAY. (Takes out key card) It’s on me. (Hands card to woman at register)
ERIN. (Overwhelmed) Oh my God! Thank you so much! I’ll pay you back.
KAY. Nah. (Takes card back) Don’t worry about it. I have five hundred left on my meal plan. I guess I don’t eat enough. (Walks back to her table)
Erin laughs and goes over to the table directly next to Kay and Maggie’s table. Erin is seated closest to the other table. Kelley pays for her food and walks over to her seat.
KELLEY. Oh perfect. You can eavesdrop on them. (Sits down)
ERIN. What are you, twelve?
KELLEY. Just keep me updated will you?
Spotlight goes onto Kay and Maggie’s table. Everyone else freezes.
MAGGIE. You are like the sweetest person ever.
KAY. I felt bad! That sucks when you forget your card. Remember that one time I left mine in my bag and I had to use cash? It was embarrassing! Everyone was looking at me!
MAGGIE. That’s cause you’re wicked cute!
KAY. No. It’s cause I was an idiot.
MAGGIE. Stop that! You’re smart. (Pause) How did English go today?
KAY. Not too bad. I had to present my fiction story.
MAGGIE. I bet your professor loved it!
KAY. Of course he did! It had two of the greatest things: sex and drugs. (Pause) If the assignment were to write a musical, I would have added rock n’ roll as well.
MAGGIE. You’re a clever one!
Spotlight shifts to other table.
KELLEY. Did they bring me up yet?
ERIN. They’re talking about English class.
KELLEY. (Disgusted) Oh my God, English class today was crazy. Kay read aloud this story about two lesbians who run away from the cops for selling ecstasy or something.
ERIN. Oooh! Is she a creative writing major?
KELLEY. The real question is, is Kay gay?
ERIN. Just because someone writes about lesbians or gays, doesn’t mean they’re gay too.
KELLEY. You’ve never spoken to her! You know how she sits? (Demonstrates the way Kay sits) Legs open! I doubt she’s ever worn a dress in her life.
ERIN. She’s comfortable with her body? I don’t know.
KELLEY. It’s just weird. If she isn’t a lesbian, she just doesn’t know it yet.
Spotlight shifts to other table.
KAY. There was one sex scene in my story. The two lesbians – Lexie and Jackie – come across an abandoned shed. I had Lexie like slam Jackie against the wall, then make out with her.
MAGGIE. I don’t know if this is appropriate dinner conversation, Kay.
KAY. Shh. Shh. Let me finish. (Pause) I’ve never gone down on a girl so when I wrote the scene, I just imagined what it must be like when John goes down on me. All I know is what it feels like. (Pause) Luca liked it though.
MAGGIE. Of course he did, you wrote it.
Spotlight shifts to other table.
ERIN. She’s never gone down on a girl.
KELLEY. Has a girl gone down on her?
ERIN. No. But a guy named John has. I’m guessing that’s her boy –
KELLEY. She’s probably lying.
ERIN. Ask her.
KELLEY. (Gets up) My mom’s calling me. (Walks offstage)
KAY. (Grabs stomach) Ahh shit, I gotta go! (Runs off stage)
Maggie laughs.
MAGGIE. Oh, Kay. (Looks over) Erin?
Erin turns around and waves.
MAGGIE. Come over here!
ERIN. I’m actually with Kell –
MAGGIE. Come here!
Erin grabs her stuff and sits next to Maggie.
MAGGIE. How is Kelley?
ERIN. Just a bit awkward. She hasn’t really talked to me.
MAGGIE. Why is that?
ERIN. She asked me to eavesdrop on you two.
MAGGIE. (Uncomfortable) Oh, wow.
ERIN. She’s scared that you two were talking about her. (Laughs) I should have just gotten up and sat with you guys.
Kay walks back onstage.
KAY. Guess who I just ran into? (Pause) Fuckin’ math teacher. You know, the one with the eye patch? I accidentally cut her in line for the bathroom.
MAGGIE. Oh, no!
KAY. Doubt she saw that coming! (Laughs hysterically and slaps her knee) I am on a roll tonight! (Looks over at Erin) Hey, I’m Kay.
MAGGIE. Oh, my bad! Kay, this is Erin.
ERIN. Nice to meet you! (Smiles) So wait, did you say that your teacher has an eye patch?
KAY. (Sits down) Well, this week she does. Ya see, every week she comes to class with a different handicap.
MAGGIE. One week it was a cane.
KAY. The next was a walker. One time it was a wheelchair.
MAGGIE. Didn’t she come in with crutches once?
KAY. Yup! One time, we had class in the ambulance.
Pause
KAY. Nah. I’m just playing!
Maggie and Erin laugh.
MAGGIE. You’re adorable.
KAY. (Looks at Erin) So Erin, what’s your major?
Maggie remains silent.
ERIN. I was just about to ask you that. (Laughs) I’m a creative writing major.
KAY. Me too.
ERIN. No way! I had a feeling you were.
KAY. Why? (Looks down at food) Do most writers like chicken?
ERIN. I don’t know maybe. But no, Kelley was talking about a story you wrote.
KAY. Oh, God! (Looks down out of embarrassment)
ERIN. No, no! (Touches Kay’s arm. Maggie looks down) It sounded awesome. I would love to read it.
KAY. (Leans down and opens backpack) I have a copy with me if you want to read it now.
ERIN. That would be –
MAGGIE. Maybe she could read it later. (Touches Kay’s arm)
Erin looks at Maggie
KAY. (Slides copy across table) Well here it is.
ERIN. (Picks up copy) X. Is that the title?
KAY. Yeah. It’s kind of lame. But the two lead characters are ex-lovers who sold ecstasy together. (Laughs) I chose the title like ten minutes before class.
ERIN. No. That’s clever. (Skims the pages)
MAGGIE. (Looks at Kay) I love all of your titles.
KAY. I’m going to go get some dessert. You want any?
MAGGIE. I’m good, thanks. (Smiles)
KAY. Erin?
ERIN. You paid for my dinner.
KAY. And I’ll pay for your dessert?
ERIN. (Laughs) As of now, no thank you.
KAY. What if there is a wicked big cookie?
ERIN. Well in that case –
MAGGIE. Kay, could you actually go get me a chocolate chip muffin?
KAY. Sure thing.
Kay walks off stage. Kelley walks over to the table.
MAGGIE. There you are!
KELLEY. (Looks at Erin) I thought we were having dinner.
ERIN. Sorry? Mag invited me to sit with her.
KELLEY. Where’s Kay?
ERIN. Getting dessert. Where have you been?
MAGGIE. She was probably taking a shit.
ERIN. (Laughs) That’d be one huge shit.
KELLEY. Shut up, you guys.
ERIN. Then what were you doing?
KELLEY. I wasn’t taking a shit. My mom called me.
Silence. Kay walks back on stage and hands Maggie her dessert.
KAY. Hey, Kelley. (Sits down and continues to eat)
KELLEY. Hey. I should actually get going.
ERIN. Want me to walk you back?
KELLEY. (Shrugs shoulders) Aren’t you still eating?
ERIN. I can come back.
KELLEY. No. It’s alright. (Starts walking off-stage)
MAGGIE. Text me when you get back to your room? I can come by before I go home if you’d like.
KELLEY. Will do. (Grabs her stuff and walks off-stage)
MAGGIE. Thanks for the muffin, boo.
ERIN. Hey, bitch, where’s my cookie? (Laughs)
KAY. I’m your bitch now? (Laughs)
MAGGIE. Erin. She bought you dinner. Shut up.
Erin looks confused.
KAY. Mag, it’s alright. We are just playing around.
MAGGIE. (Grabs bag and dessert, stands up) Wanna go do homework now?
KAY. Now?
MAGGIE. Yeah. I have a lot to do.
KAY. I’m not done eating. I can meet you someplace.
ERIN. (Gets up) Look, it was great to meet you. I’m going to make sure that Kelley made it back to her room okay. (Looks at Maggie) Have a good night. (Walks off-stage)
MAGGIE. (Sits back down) Thanks for the muffin again.
KAY. Anytime. Don’t you have work to do?
MAGGIE. I don’t mind waiting for you.
KAY. Aww, okay. You’re sweet.
MAGGIE. Just being honest. (Smiles)
Kay smiles at Maggie and continues to eat.
Lights fade.
Blackout.
