Below is a short play I had to write for my playwriting class this term. I was assigned to write the “worst play.” I’m not sure if I would consider this to be the worst or best play. I’d love your comments, though!
Jennifer’s bedroom. Left stage there is a well-made bed. Across from the bed is a full length mirror. Jennifer is sprawled on the bed. Her legs and arms hang off the side. She is wearing a white bathrobe that is open, revealing her naked body. A girl wearing a white gown is sitting on the floor, back against footboard, and holding a white cane. She is tapping the cane against the foot board. With each tap, Jennifer moans.
JENNIFER. (tap) Yes. (tap) Mmm! (tap) Yes, yes! (tap) Yes! (Sits up screaming. The girl slides beneath the bed, leaving the cane beside the bed)
Jennifer gets off the bed and ties her robe. She leans down and picks up the cane. Using the cane, she walks over to her mirror and unties her robe, staring at her nude body.
JENNIFER. Why. Don’t. You. Want. Me? (Throws cane at bed) I know you’re there. Come out and play with me. (Falls to the ground and crawls over to her bed) Why must you use a cane? Are you afraid to touch me? I’m afraid that you’ll never touch me. (Stands up) Come on. Please? I-I can put some clothes on…you can, I mean, I can drive us downtown, get something to eat. Wouldn’t you like that? That’s normal, right?
The girl slowly slides out from beneath the bed and grabs her cane. She starts to stand up and walk towards stage left. Jennifer grabs her by the arm, but the girls continues to walk.
JENNIFER. (Yells) Please!! Show me that you’re real. (The girl walks off-stage. Jennifer cries) Why must you leave me? (Pause) I know you like it here! You told me I was beautiful once. Told me I was like no other friend of yours. (Pause) The last thing I need is a fuckin’ friend.
Jennifer sits on the edge of her bed, back facing the audience. The lights on stage-left dim and a spotlight comes up on Fred who is standing in front of the mirror with an electric razor. Beside him is a girl wearing a pink button-down shirt. Behind her back she is holding a dozen roses. Fred starts to shave off all his hair on his head and face.
FRED. Ayo Pinky, how am I looking?
GIRL. (Shrugs her shoulders) Short hair looks nice on you.
FRED. That’s the difference between you two. For her: the longer the better.
GIRL. Difference between me and who?
FRED. Jen. (Pause) I’m thinking that if I shave – my face, especially – she’ll think somethings up. (Touches chin) She loved my goatee.
GIRL. Didn’t she love everything else about you? (Pause) You started wearing contacts. You bought a different phone with unlimited texting. You even got yourself a new jacket. (Pause) You changed that all…for me.
FRED. She didn’t notice any of that though!
GIRL. That’s not the point. You changed for me. Just cause she hasn’t said much, doesn’t mean she never felt it.
FRED. I feel as though I could change just about anything for you and she’s too distracted to say anything. (Laughs) I mean I haven’t banged Jen in months! Even when we do do it, I cum in like five minutes. (Pause) Sex with you is just so amazing. Why waste my time fuckin’ some chick who fakes it and pretends to want sex cause she knows that’s all I have to offer, when I have you? (Turns towards Girl) I want to kiss you, but I feel like Jen will know.
GIRL. (Kisses Fred) She doesn’t even know I exist. What the fuck is the difference? (Hands him the flowers) Keep her guessing. (Kisses him on the cheek and walks off-stage. Lights come up on the whole stage)
FRED. Jen, baby. You in here?
Jennifer stands up and walks to center-stage. She faces Fred.
JENNIFER. (Looks down at Fred’s crotch) You look hard.
FRED. (Looks down at Jennifer’s crotch) You smell wet.
JENNIFER. Must be that time of month.
Fred walks over to Jennifer and slips his hand into her robe, feeling up her crotch. He takes out his hand and licks his fingers.
FRED. Guess I’m a vampire then, cause that tasted pretty good.
JENNIFER. Only pretty good?
FRED. Thought you said you were on the rag?
JENNIFER. Well. I should be. (Pause) Just running late.
FRED. Mmmm. Is that so?
JENNIFER. Yeah. Just a week late or so…
FRED. Jen it’s July. (Pause) Last time we had sex, both me and the sky were cumming white.
JENNIFER. I agree! It’s been way too long.
JENNIFER. So did you want to go shopping or see a movie today?
FRED. Jen. Look, I don’t even know why I come here.
JENNIFER. What are you saying, Fred? You want to leave?
FRED. (Hands her flowers) I like to keep you guessing.
JENNIFER. Oh, thank you. (Places flowers on bed) I’ll see you tomorrow then?
FRED. Yeah. Maybe.
Girl wearing a white gown walks on from stage-left, picks up her cane and slips into Jennifer’s bed.
JENNIFER. (Looks over at her bed) That’s fine. That works. Yeah, just call me. (Walks over to her bed)
FRED. What are you doing? (Pause) It’s fucking noon. Aren’t you working at three?
JENNIFER. (Looks back at Fred) Didn’t you hear me? I asked if you wanted to go out today. (Pause) I’m obviously available. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t have asked you. (Looks back at bed) But, I’m busy now.
FRED. Busy doing what? What is over there? (Pause) Is it another guy?
JENNIFER. (Looks back at Fred) Projection much?
FRED. Your psychological bull shit doesn’t work on me, honey! (Pause) I’m the psychology major here, not you!
JENNIFER. What? (Crosses arms across chest) You told me you were twenty credits away from being a raw meat collagist as a supporter for PETA!
FRED. (Yells) You’re just like every vegetarian out there, Jen! You want everyone to hate meat like you! You know it’s awkward to stop eating meat, you hate being different, but deep down you want everyone to be like “oh Jen, O-M-G, how do you do it? I could never give up chicken!” You’re such a fucking whore!
JENNIFER. (Yells) I’m not a whore! I’m not a whore! (Upset) You know who is the biggest whore? Do you? (Whispers) Rain is such a slut.
FRED. (Slaps hand onto forehead) Why I wasted two years of my life with someone I can’t agree on one thing with, baffles me.
JENNIFER. As a kid, did you ever look out the car window when it was raining out? Ya know, watch all the rain drops slide across the glass? You can’t deny it, you always picked your favorite drop of rain, hoping it’d slide across the glass before all the other ones. You would bid your life on that rain drop. On that fuckin’ whore! A whore that would slide quickly away from you, as it was chasing other rain drops, racing to get to the next window, the next car, the next pimp. (Pause) I always wondered how much rain gets-off on the fact that it makes everyone wet. Why need a lover when you have rain? It always tastes good and feels good. If it’s hard enough, you could shower in it. It’s perfect.
FRED. Does rain get you off, Jen? Huh?
Fred walks off stage-right. Jennifer walks over to her bed.
JENNIFER. I know what you’re going to say. (Pause) Look, all I need is someone better than him. Anyone. And all I need is for them to feel the same way about me. (Sighs) If I had that, he’d be gone.
Girl sits up and stares at Jennifer.
GIRL. I know how you feel about me, Jen. You don’t have to lie anymore.
JENNIFER. You’re the best, best friend I could ever ask for.
GIRL. I’m the best anything you could ever ask for.
JENNIFER. You make me so happy.
GIRL. I make you feel things he has never made you feel.
JENNIFER. I wish Fred would listen to me.
GIRL. If anyone listened to you, you’d fall for them.
JENNIFER. I wish I could prove to you how perfect you treat me.
GIRL. I know how I treat you. (Pause) Please don’t take me for granted.
JENNIFER. I am so overwhelmed by how well you treat me that I get nervous. So nervous that I fuck everything up. But no matter what, you stick around. You’re so perfectly patient. I wish Fred was like you.
GIRL. Patience is a small fraction of affection. (Pause) I’m patient with everyone.
JENNIFER. (Sits on the bed and goes to pull off the covers) Now let me be patient with you.
Girl jumps out of the bed and walks away.
GIRL. I’m not asking for patience. I want respect from you.
JENNIFER. (Screams/crying) Neither of you respect my wants! I want you! I love you! I love you! I love you!
GIRL. Please, Jen. Calm down. It’ll be okay.
JENNIFER. (Slowly walks over to Girl with her arms open wide) I love you. Hug me.
GIRL. I have to go. I’ll be back tomorrow. (Starts to walk towards off-stage)
JENNIFER. Why do you leave me to go to Joe? (Pause) I know you have more fun with me. You always come back.
GIRL. (Looks back) Everyone needs friends, Jen. (Pause) Besides, you need me.
JENNIFER. No. I want you.
GIRL. Well, learn to need me. (Walks away)
JENNIFER. I’ll call you tomorrow morning.
GIRL. No need to. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?
GIRL. I’ve never broken one.
JENNIFER. Oh what? Are you saying that I have?
GIRL. Honestly. Why the fuck do you do that? (Pause) Every time I have to leave, you say something that keeps me from going! (Yells) I have to go, Jennifer! LET ME LEAVE!
Jennifer starts to cry.
GIRL. Oh of course you cry! You cry so that I feel bad. So that I feel obligated to call you tonight to make sure that everything is okay. (Pause) Ya know what, I’m not going to call you. (Pause) I’m tired of this game.
JENNIFER. Will I see you tomorrow?
GIRL. Yeah. You’ll see me.
Jennifer hugs Girl. Girl tries to end the hug but Jennifer won’t let go.
JENNIFER. I don’t know what I’d do with out you. (Kisses Girl on the cheek)
Girl walks off stage. Jennifer pulls the cane out of her bed and sits on the edge of her bed with the cane in her lap. She rubs the cane up and down slowly, softly. She leans over and picks up a pad of paper and a pen from beneath her bed. She starts to write a note. When the note is finished she folds it up, lies on her bed with her legs open wide, places the note over her crotch. She taps the cane against her headboard. With each tap she moans. This happens a few times until she lets out one last loud moan, as she is climaxing. While climaxing she pushes down on the note. Fred walks on from stage-right.
FRED. Jen, I’m sorry about earlier I – (looks over at her) What the hell are you doing?
JENNIFER. (Sits up startled.Covers her nude torso with cane and blanket) Fred! Oh my God, you scared me! What the fuck are you doing here?
FRED. (Walks over to her) What the hell are you doing? (Looks down at note) Who is that to? (Goes to grab for it but Jennifer crumples it up) Give it to me, Jen. (Grabs for it and misses) Jen! (Finally gets it and slowly opens it up) Why is this wet? (Brings it up to his nose) Is-is this you?
JENNIFER. No one else is here! Of course it’s me!
FRED. No. It’s just…I don’t know. I’ve never made you…do this.
JENNIFER. I’ve had orgasms before, Fred.
FRED. Well not with me! (Looks at note) Girl? Who is Girl?
JENNIFER. No one. (Goes to grab the note)
FRED. It’s obviously someone! You just came all over this!
JENNIFER. So? I was alone!
FRED.(Points to note) Alone with Girl? Or (makes air quotations with fingers)Girl?
JENNIFER. That doesn’t even make sense.
FRED. Neither does this! (Breathes heavily) Is she real? Is she here? (Looks under bed, behind mirror)
JENNIFER. No! She’s not here right now!
FRED. Is she coming back?
JENNIFER. I hope.
FRED. You hope?
JENNIFER. She seemed upset with me. (Cries) I probably fucked it up again!
FRED. Upset? Fucked it up again? (Brings hand to forehead) How long has this been going on?
JENNIFER. Since last July.
FRED. (Yells) WHO IS SHE JENNIFER?
JENNIFER. Someone who makes me happy.
FRED. Then why are you still with me?
JENNIFER. I don’t make her happy. She doesn’t feel the same way I do about this…about us.
FRED. And you’re hanging out with her because…?
JENNIFER. She’s different. She’s like no one else I’ve ever met. She’s the complete opposite as me.
FRED. Can I meet her?
JENNIFER. She has a boyfriend. Joe.
FRED. That doesn’t seem to be stopping you.
JENNIFER. Why are you even here?
FRED. I thought I’d stop by and spend the day with you. (Nervously chuckles) But it looks like you’re a little busy.
JENNIFER. Let me guess, you were bored at home?
FRED. What’s wrong with me just stopping by?
JENNIFER. (Walks over to him) You’re just doing what I expect you to do. You’re doing the bare minimum expectations of a decent boyfriend. You’re not here because you want to be; you just think that it’s the right thing to do.
FRED. So what? I’m pretending to enjoy myself. You can at least pretend that you are too!
JENNIFER. (Hits his chest) We are falling apart! Why don’t you fix it?
FRED. I don’t want to! There’s nothing to fix. (Whispers) I don’t love you, Jennifer. And I know that you don’t love me either!
JENNIFER. Yes I do!
FRED. You just love the thought of me! You love Girl!
JENNIFER. Loving the thought of you is better than not loving you at all. Besides, Girl is a pure fantasy. She’ll never feel the same way.
FRED. Well if it’s the feeling aspect that matters, than I am a pure fantasy too.
Lights dim and spotlight comes up on Fred and the Girl wearing the pink button-down shirt. Fred and Girl start to make out. He starts to un-button her shirt as she undos his belt. He lowers his pants and boxers to his mid-thigh before picking Girl up. She wraps her legs around his waist and arms around his neck. Fred tucks his arms beneath her as she slowly rides him. As this happens, Jennifer slowly walks backwards to her bed and goes to reach for the cane that is now misplaced. She begins to cry as she falls to the ground, looking under her bed and around her room for the cane. She cannot find it. She cries louder and louder. Fred and Girl freeze in their position. Jennifer lifts up her pillow and takes out her cellphone. She starts dialing a number. The sound of ringing is heard.
VOICE. (Heard throughout the audience) I’m sorry, but the subscriber you’re trying to reach is unavailable. Please check the number or dial again.
JENNIFER.(Checks phone) No. This can’t be happening! (Dials another number)
VOICE.(Heard throughout the audience) I’m sorry, but the subscriber you’re trying to reach is unavailable. Please check the number or dial again.
JENNIFER. (Yells, crying) NO!! COME BACK TO ME! GIRL! GIRL. Girl. (Voices cracks) Girl…